DEPRESSED CLOWN

"She lost her vagina in a car accident."

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:59:36 -0500

“She lost her vagina in a car accident.”

Dear Black People: Stop Haunting My Dreams

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 08:20:43 -0500

Dear Black People: Stop Haunting My Dreams

"Is anyone else besides me secretly wishing that other teams win in Olympics events so that the USA..."

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 01:01:47 -0500

“Is anyone else besides me secretly wishing that other teams win in Olympics events so that the USA doesn’t get bombed out of spite?”

A Question You'll Never Hear:

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:55:53 -0500

Why don’t they make dildo’s for kids?

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 03:56:09 -0500

Hit Me Baby One More Time

I Never Realized I Wanted To Kill Myself Before

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:42:37 -0500

I Never Realized I Wanted To Kill Myself Before

That Bank Robber is Not Fucking Kidding

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 04:08:12 -0500

That Bank Robber is Not Fucking Kidding

"Crack is proud to be the official drug of the NBA."

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 19:56:03 -0500

“Crack is proud to be the official drug of the NBA.”

"How do you do body shots off someone in a wheelchair?"

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:26:14 -0500

“How do you do body shots off someone in a wheelchair?”

Hey Kids (I Hope Kids Are Reading This, What Can I Say I Like To Corrupt)

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:28:55 -0500

Here are some new column articles for you to eat!

Condoms: Are They Stupid And Unnecessary?

I Must’ve Died And Gone To Hooters

Don’t Look Now, But A Homeless Man Is Trying To Kill You

Dear Lance Armstrong,

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:47:18 -0500

Dear Lance Armstrong,

I Just Masturbated To That Ellen Degeneres American Express Commercial

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 15:47:01 -0500

I Just Masturbated To That Ellen Degeneres American Express Commercial

"How come there aren’t any shows on tv about dentists?"

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:47:48 -0500

“How come there aren’t any shows on tv about dentists?”

"Do people with a beastiality fetish masturbate to those nature shows where the animals have sex?"

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:28:26 -0500

“Do people with a beastiality fetish masturbate to those nature shows where the animals have sex?”

I'm Not Divorcing Your Vagina

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:47:27 -0500

I'm Not Divorcing Your Vagina

Me: Hey God

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:25:00 -0500

Me: Hey God
God: what up blood
Me: Nothin', just going to go down to the beach. Do you want to join me?
God: nah nigga, this nigerian prince is dying and leaving me all his money! hey do u know my bank account number?

"If an eight-year-old goes out with a four-year-old, is the 8 y/o considered a pedophile?"

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:11:08 -0500

“If an eight-year-old goes out with a four-year-old, is the 8 y/o considered a pedophile?”

"My roommate is a serial killer and a cannibal. It’s cool, though…not really a big deal,..."

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 22:42:00 -0500

“My roommate is a serial killer and a cannibal. It’s cool, though…not really a big deal, whatever. He’s actually really productive and creative…I’d almost say brilliant and genius. He made us a dishwasher of this girl he killed, and he created an HDTV from the skin and organs of an old lady who had just been stinkin’ up our basement, dead.”

"I think if I was in prison and set to get the death penalty today, I would want my last meal to be..."

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 17:40:00 -0500

“I think if I was in prison and set to get the death penalty today, I would want my last meal to be wretched and terrible. That way, I could be like, “well at least the electric chair won’t be as bad as that fish I just ate! ZING!””

"If I was forced to have gay anal sex against my will, I’d rather be pitcher than catcher. But..."

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 09:00:54 -0500

“If I was forced to have gay anal sex against my will, I’d rather be pitcher than catcher. But if I was forced to play a game of baseball against my will, I’d rather be shortshop.”